He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize