Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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