moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
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A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
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I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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