Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
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while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
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One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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