the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
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But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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