when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
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It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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