Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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