I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
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They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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