it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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