boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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