At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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