If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
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I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
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I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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