So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
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You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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