I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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