Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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