Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
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Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
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So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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