This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
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When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
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You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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