I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
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The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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