That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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