i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
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I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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