I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
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You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
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we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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