Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
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Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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