exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize