i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
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I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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