I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
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You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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