So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
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I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
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I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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