I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
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OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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