found the other keg... it's in the tree
My vagina just recognized that song.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
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There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
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Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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