Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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