He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize