best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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