Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
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It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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