he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
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This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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