i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
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Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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