She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
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if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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