so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
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You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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