If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize