Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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