3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize