She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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