If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
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I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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