I'm laying in your front yard are you home
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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