sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
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how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
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Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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