the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
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