It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
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Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
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I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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