Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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