The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
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I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
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Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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