sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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