Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
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My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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