Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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